Worst enemy

This past summer I took a poetry class and learned how to write poetry.Since I have all these crazy emotions running around recently, Ive been thinking about getting back into the world of blogging. This time maybe writing poems. So to kick things off, here is a poem I recently wrote:

Flawed Enemy



I know you,

You know me

We are enemies.

Everyday I look at you

And know everything you’re thinking.

Your pain, splattered across your face

In the most horrible, fattening ways.

You are ugly.

I stare at you, maybe a little to long,

You hold my gaze,

Staring right back,

You’re an ugly train wreck I can’t help but stare at

You mock me

Your hair is ugly,

Fix it.

Your face is fat, and ugly,

Hide it.

You look sad, hopeless, and unwanted,

Lie.

You do everything I ask,

I don’t feel any better trying to help you,

Its impossible to feel good when I look at you.

Your eyes show a girl who has been

Through a decade long war.

You worked so hard for your love,

And still, you don’t have anything to show for it.

This eats away at you

Doesn’t it?

Your smile is gone, and I know why

Its your daddy again isn’t it?

He woke up complaining about everything,

Didn’t he?

You don’t know who he is anymore,

And have no idea if you should wait for the man

You loved and admired your whole life to return,

Or,

Mourn the loss of a wonderful man who once was,

Am I right?

Your spunk has burned out,

It’s because you think you accomplished nothing in life.

What’s the point of moving on,

Seeing another year when after so many

Years nothing has change.

Your ashamed,embarrassed, wanting

Nothing to do with life….

Is that pretty close?

Ugly girl, you can cry, complain,

and even scream when you think no can hear you.

But let me tell you,

No one cares,

That’s cold hard truth.

Now take a deep breath,

And somehow muddle through today.

Till we meet again,

You worthless reflection



Memories of a Grandfather: From a Granddaughter

This past week my family said goodbye to my grandfather, Ronald F Jones Sr. Ronny was many things to many people in his 78 years. He was a husband, father, grandfather, a great-grandfather, and friend.

To me, he was simply known as grandpa, my grandpa, my only living grandfather. So I would like to share some of my personal memories I have of and with him, from a granddaughters point of view.

Every Sunday when I was a child, was church day. My family would wake up in the morning, put on our nicer clothes and head down to church. We would usually find an empty pue toward the back of the church and the four of us would pile in and sit down on the wooden benches. A few moments later my family would scooch down to make room for our fifth memeber. I never had to look up from whatever shiney object had caught my attention at that particular moment to know who had join us. A warm hand would reach down to me and pat me on my knee and I would look up to see Grandpa's warm smile and him whispering "Hiya".

After mass was over I would walk outside with my family and we would talk for a few minutes with him. He lived a block and a half away from church, so if the weather was nice  I would walk to his and Grandma's house with him. We would walk back to his house chatting. I can't really recall any conversation, but I'm sure he asked me about my week at school and I would tell him all about it, starting with Monday, and probably ending with getting off the bus on Friday afternoon.

 Grandpa would take my hand and we would cross the street (usually my family would pass by in their car and I would giggle and wave to them because I was a big girl walking home with Grandpa). We would cut up through the alley (for a short time I thought it was his alleyway.) We would approach his back yard and I would take off like a bullet and run down the hill towards the little green house that was known as Grandma and Grandpa's house.

Grandpa had a red van and would pile it up with his four grandchildren, my parents, aunt and uncle and my grandmother. He would take us to Delaware, Cooperstown, to his Hunting Cabin, or anywhere else my Grandmother told him to take us. 

Sometimes he would take us to a ball game. He would sit in the bleachers behind us, with his baseball cap and a radio in his ear.

 Looking back this was probably because he took four grandchildren under the age of 10, and two of them were very danity girly girls who didn't like dirt or sports. My sister and I had no intrest in the games and were probably a real nightmare to take. I can remember swinging of the railing and asking my mom "Is it over yet?".

Grandpa never yelled or got upset with me. He just kept asking me to go get him some more ice cream.

Grandpa never missed a birthday, a holiday, a graduation, recital or anything else that was important to me. He was always there for any of us. He loved his family and friends with everything he had.

Grandpa was a wonderful man, who lived a good life. Most of us who are grieving his lost don't know how live in a world where Ronny dosen't exsist, but my family and his friends will learn together. We will take each day as it comes and we will live it to the fullest like he did, right up to very end. We will miss you Grandpa.

Ronald Fedrick Jones Sr.

Sept,2,1932 - June,21,2011

Mama, I love you...



I was little over two years old, and came down with a stomach virus. I would not stop throwing up, scared and being my moms first and only child at that time, my parents took me to the hospital. I stayed there for a week, till my virus completely gone. My mom stayed and slept in the waiting room each night I was there. I don’t remember a single moment of my hospital stay, but my mom says each morning, a nurse would come into the waiting room wake her, and tell her I was up and crying for her. She never left me for a moment that week, and when she did, she made sure my dad, or grandparents were there for me, so I wouldn’t be scared. She would only leave to get something to eat, shower, or to take a nap.

Like any other child, I would get ear infections. Only my infections seemed to come at night, when  the pediatricians office were closed till morning. Mom would unfold the couch and turn it into the bed and we would attempt to sleep out in the living room, while I cried and wiggled around all night. Mom never left me for moment during those painful nights, and if she did it was to get me more children’s Tylenol. Neither one of would get any sleep those nights.

As a child, mom always dressed in pretty puffy dresses, with big bows and a big smile on any special occasion. I would put the smile on myself because I was happy. I was a happy little girl, with not a care in the world. The only things that scared me were things I saw on TV, not things I experienced in my family. My parents were and still are the greatest people I know, and to this day to me they represent the true definition of safe and secure.

As a teenager I was still carefree, maybe a little to care free and stupid. Looking back I know I kept my mother up many nights in fear of what was going to happen to me? I had no direction in life. Life was one big game to me. Mom knew this, and knew my head was up in the clouds. She became my rock and my voice of reason that I lack. I am easily impressed with shiny objects and fancy words, but mom keeps me grounded and sane. There is nothing I can’t say to my mother. I said it before and I’ll say it again, because it is true. Everybody deserves to have a mother like my mine. I wouldn’t know what I would do without her. She is not only my mother, but my best friend, therapist, and my rock. When I don’t think I have the strength or the patience to go on, she helps me see that I do. My mom believes in everything I do, and is my number one cheerleader. Not a day has gone by in twenty-seven years that I have felt unloved, or unwanted or have questioned ‘Does my mom love me? Did she ever love my sister and I?’ I never had to ask those questions, because to me those questions are silly. I hope she never had to ask herself if I loved her, because that would just as silly.

So mom in honor of mothers day, I want you to know that I love you very much!! (As if you didn’t know that already!) =)

When You Wish Upon a Star...

"All our dreams can come true - if we have the courage to pursue them." - Walt Disney

　

Some of my dreams I want to accomplish really have nothing to do with the life I am living now. I feel right now in this stage of my life I am stretched as far as I can go. I am mentally and physically stuck in this world and each day is the same bull shit as the day before. Same places with the same faces.
I have so many dreams I want to come true but I feel like I have an invisible weight upon me holding me down. Some days I feel like I have to suck all the energy that’s within in me to get out of bed, because I don’t want to face the day. I don’t want to wake up, because its all the same and I can’t handle it anymore. Something very soon is going to have to give.
I am sick of crying, sick of hearing my voice repeat the things I wrote here only to have my words fall on deaf ears.
My dreams are on hold, and have been for quite sometime. I’m not saying I want tomorrow to be magically different, I need to work to make it different, and I am willing, but it’s the critics in my life who think I will fail, who still want to hold my hand, keep me in place. They say they believe in me, hear what I’m saying, but do they really? If they did they would want me happy, wouldn’t they? So why don’t they believe in me and encourage me, instead of trying to drown me in my own tears?
This is MY life, MY dreams, MY world, not theirs, and if they don’t want to support my decision in moving on so be it.

One of my hopes is for my 4year old God daughter and her 4 day old brother to one day follow their dreams, no matter how crazy they are, no matter what they want to be, I want them to follow their hearts and dreams, and not get stuck in trying to please others as I did. Hunter and Landen have the world in front of them, and no matter what they decide to do with their lives I will encourage them 100% because I know how difficult it is to have no one.

Dream a Nightmare

I'm not to good at poetry, that I'll admit. But for a not so short period of time I tried my hand at poetry. So here is a poem I wrote about a year ago. It's kind of weird, and mind boggling, but it sort of works for me...

Dream a Nightmare



Inspiration to a creation so pure

A dream to hold with no where to go

Nightmares existing when you creep up on them

Only to prove your still breathing

In between wishes and wants

Gold and silver

Chance to come true, never

Living and breathing

Seeking and believing

Wanting and hoping

Magic fades

Happiness dies

But the pain deep in the soul

Remains

Traveling to a distance to short

Only one question remains

What is there for me

Is this the nightmare I carved from a dream

So pure of hope, wishes granted

Have I turned my back

Now I stand with no place to go

A crack within me

So large to see through

The hollow winds rushes through

Scratching and clawing my way out

passer Byers with faces familiar have

Their doubts

Some helping others pushing

Some loving some hating

Some praying others think I’m better off dying

Have no side to go, stuck down the middle

Hear every thought as

Though spoken so clear

It’s a shame of this nightmare

I have carved out of a dream

Like Sands Through the Hour Glass...

I have been sick for a week, that's my excuse for not blogging as much as I had. I started feeling better a few days ago, but didn't have anything to write, or wasn't inspired by anything. I guess my life is just on a constant loop right now, going through the motions, on auto pilot, but never really stopping to look or admire the view around myself, because everything and everyone is the same. I became a creature of habit, obsessed with time, a constant reminder, that time is running out, but what is it exactly that is running out that I have became so paniced about?
I have my suspecions, I feel in todays world at the ripe old age of 27, I am now old. I should be married, having my second or third child,  I should have a career, I should be living in a beatiful home in the suburbs, I should, I should, I should!
But I don't. I don't even have a boyfriend, even though I do have my eye on someone spectacular, but that leaves me with the question: If I don't have it now, will I ever have it?
Does society tend to look down, or frown upon women who are unmarried or unsucessful  in their mid to late 20's? Am I frowned upon behind my back?

My whole life I felt stupid, school had just reienforced my feelings of stupidty. I was never on the honor roll, hardly got A's. For me, C's were equivalent to A's. Needless to say I wasn't very popular, or fit into the whole highschool puzzel that others made look so easy.

Because I felt stupid, and unworthy to society, college was a definitely out! I didn't want to think about going back to school after I graduated from twelve years of sheer misreabl hell, willingly!
I was eventually talked into it, and after reluctantly going,
I am now one degree down and working on my second, and probably going to go on and to get my masters in this feild. I have struggled with school my whole entire life, but because I don't have a family of my own yet, will all my hard work and devotion to my schooling go unnoticed? Or is it me who is putting to much unnecessary pressure on myself?
Maybe Elizabeth Taylor was right when she said "I'm not like anyone, I'm like me"
I am me, and  I guess this is the path I have to travel in order to hopefully live happily ever after...

The award for the most iconic women in my life goes to.....

In memory of the iconic legend Elizabeth Taylor, I decided to dedicate this post to all the iconic ladies in my life,wether they are famous or not.

My first iconic woman in my life is my mother (now really who didn't see this coming?).
My mother is extrodinary in my life because, she is always there for me. I can trust the fact she will always love and never give up on me. It may seem weird or strange to some that I share more with my mother then I do with my friends, but that is because I know my mother will never fade from my life, she'll never out grow me, and she will never leave me stranded on purpose.
The things I share with her, I trust won't be shared to the world, in a fit of anger, or jealousy, or because she's trying to get back at me.
My mother may not be famous, or iconic or a legend to anyone else, but she is to me. She is a mother and a friend everyone deserves to have. I am lucky and truly blessed to have such a wonderful, inspirational, beautiful person in my life, and I am even luckier to be able to call her mom.

The next person who I find iconic is in fact famous. I have loved her from the first time I saw the video 'Wannabe'....yes I am a huge fan of Victoria Beckham aka Posh Spice!
To me Victoria has it all, beauty, wealth, and fame...and not to mention she is married to the hottest soccer champ alive (okay so he's the only soccer player I know) David Beckham. She has a certain charm and elegance that I could only pretend to have.
People tend to give Victoria a bad rap by saying she's stuck up, a bitch, can't sing. I can see where people may get those crazy ideas, but I refuse to beileve she's anything like that. Maybe its the inner spice girl in me who refeuses to see anything less then perfect from her.
But whatever it is, I believe she's a beautiful woman who does have a sense of humor, loves her family very much and brought the world some 'Girl Power', which to me is wonderful in itself. I don't care if you believe what I just said about her or not, I like Victoria, and to me she is an iconic legend....

Here is a video of an interview where Victoria talks about what people think of her, and what she has to say about it.

 

and of course a Spice Girl Video 'Stop' (She's the

one in the blue suite)

 
Anothor great lady on my list goes to a lady who has been sturing up the media recently, but I will defend her to the grave. Oh yes, I'm talking about Christina Aguliera! If I could sing like her, I would never talk, I would just sing everything I wanted to say (The world is probably now sighing a great sigh of relief that we have all dodged that annoying bullet!).
But seriously, I love Christina because she's ballsy, stands up for herself, and speaks her mind. I wish I had that kind of courage.
Her life wasn't always full of glam and fame, she was abused by her father as a child, bullied at school because she sung. But she grew up and over came all of that negativity.
She is now in the middle of divorcing her ex husband, and the media is having having a feild day making her out to look like some kind of crazed monster. I believe she will find her way, like she did before. And if not she can just sing instead of talk for the rest of her life and I'm sure others will listen...I know I will...

Here is Christina's video of her beautiful song that inspired me to let my inner voice be heard.

The Voice Within.

Anothor iconic lady in my life is my cousin Deanna. Ever since I was a child I have looked up to her, pretending she was my older sister. Now that we are grown, I find myself living vicarously through her. She has a beautiful daughter, who I am lucky enough to be her god mother, a baby boy on the way, and is married to a man she met at a stop light. Everything looks wonderful on the surface with her, but she is diffently someone who looks can be deceiving.
She suffers from sever diabities, that have put her in the hospital so many times, its almost her second home. Her unborn baby boy, has heart complications and will need surgeries when he is two days old. Her marriage? She has a ring, thats all.
But even though everything is less then perfect in her life, she still somehow manages a genuine smile, and a friendly upbeat positive attitude that I admire. I hate to admit it but if I was delt all that I don't know if I would get out of bed some days. But she does, and the world is a little bit brighter that she does.

So there you have it, my iconic women, who I love, adore, and praise.